stuck

Every once in awhile - at various points in my life i find myself here... unmotivated, and more importantly (?) more... *significantly*... uninspired. and feeling absolutely desperate for that fire. for passion. for some little ‘nugget’ that might hopefully propell me further artistically/creatively – hell, even professionally.

i keep envisioning this outside force pushing (or pulling) me towards my creative/professional goals. MAKING things happen... when, in reality, I know it should be me. i KNOW i should be looking inward. inward to my own creativity. my own passion. my own fire. That nothing is going to pull me into success. There’s nothing out there making it happen FOR me... the inspiration. the fire. the creativity that i yearn for is not something that i’m simply going to “stumble upon” or walk into. i have to make it. it comes from WITHIN.

i know i have it in me. i KNOW it’s there. i just have this overwhelming feeling that i'm always stopping just short of 'genius'. that it’s my fate somehow, and that i’m doomed to just being “close” but never quite tapping into my full potential. that somehow, SOMEWHERE there’s this door which will lead me towards whatever it is that i feel like i’m missing but just can’t seem to find – no matter how I try.

i mean, what is it? what is the missing piece?

there’s DEFINITELY some component to “the process” that i don’t have. or that i don’t understand... something isn’t clicking and i’m missing out in a major way.

i don’t WANT to accept that this is the way it will ALWAYS be... i just feel... stuck. I’m in a pattern of repitition that i can’t seem to escape.

i’m feeling bottled-up.

restrained.

like i’m about to explode if i don’t make some sort of progress.

i just don’t know how.

you know... i need fuel (external fuel) to inspire me to create (internally) from within – (don’t we all).

i could be – no, i am – one of those people who’s sustained by art. i thrive on it. on the indescribable joy of creation, period. and lately, that side of myself has been DYING from neglect. i mean, i can’t exactly help it – due to the circumstances of life sometimes – sometimes we find ourselves just having to SURVIVE... i think that, for me, I’m finding that – just as importantly as the act of living each day. just making it through... making it to work on time. paying bills. eating. breathing. sustaining life. and love and relationships – for me, there’s also creation and creativity and feeling like i’m contributing to... i don’t know... to culture? to one's heart? to... whatever it is inside me that makes me want to know – to FEEL – life. to SHOW life... i need that. i need to DO that – it HAS to be a part of my daily existence.

the term ‘creativity” seems so trite. so, 'Hobby Lobby'. So... ‘Martha Stewart’

I don’t know. i guess that’s why i hesitate to use that word in thinking about what i’m missing in my life right now.

in this reasoning, I can definitely identify with the ideals behind “the Artist’s Way” and “The Secret” because, for me, art/creativity/the art of creation, itself has always seemed more like a religious/spiritual experience for me - moreso than organized religion itself. nothing in life makes me feel closer to my Creator than the act of creating... i look for God in art. in finding artistic fuel – to feel alive. to connect with everything. with life!

man, now i just sound like some sort of artsy-fartsy-hippy... and it sounds so cheeseball, but it’s kinda true.

the process of creating is most certainly NOT just a Hobby Lobby/Martha Stewart thing for me. and it’s not something i do to fill my spare time... i think it’s essential to my survival and, more importantly, to my spiritual well-being.

and for one, i have been neglecting it. and two, i don’t even know how to tap into it fully... i feel like it’s something i should KNOW with all that i am, but i just fall short...

bleh.

it doesn’t even make sense to ME.

i’m just typing... not really understanding what i'm trying to say.

isn’t it a weird sensation to KNOW you need something, but not understand what exactly. or HOW. or why... but you just know that if this “THING” doesn’t exist for you, then your life isn’t yet as it’s meant to be.

i can’t really descibe it other than that.

i KNOW there are things i’m meant to accomplish. i know THIS is not where i’m meant to be in my life... i have more to do. i have more to contribute, but i just can’t –for the life of me – seem to figure out how to get to where i don’t even know i’m going...

seems the obvious first step is to find out where i need to be. the second step is to go there.

easy, right?

Heh.

i know i need stimulation. visual. cultural. mental...

i need to surround myself with other creative people. i need to discuss life and art and philosophy and music and laugh at how rediculously lost we are in ourselves. i need to know i’m not the only one who feels the way i do.

i need a push on this swing of life. i need someone to show me what i can’t seem to see for myself. or show me HOW to see what i can’t see...

i need a jumpstart out of the haze i've been living in. i need to jump out of my comfortable little rut and DO something!

I just don't know what.

Is this the point where i just say "fuck it" and i go back to school? Or am I just needing a vacation? Meditation? concentration? distraction? stimulation? new occupation?

who the hell knows...

So, i just keep spinning in this hazy circle of uncertainty. Unsure of what to do or where to go to stop the cycle and finally just move forward.